I would never have considered myself a shopaholic. In fact, I actually loathed the activity for years. The thought of going into a store and wandering around and looking and trying stuff on made me exhausted and irritable just thinking about it. The crowds, the going from store to store, the overly helpful store clerks (“I’m just looking!”), the waiting, the chaos. Yuck!! Who would think any of that is fun???
Then the wonderful world of online shopping presented itself to me and it was captivating. However, since my husband and I were clawing our way out of debt for years, the ability to shop was not readily open to me. Our budget was tight and there was absolutely no room for luxuries like new underwear no matter how many holes were in the current pairs. We scrimped and budgeted and saved every penny we could find trying to get out of debt. The years of sacrifice and deprivation starved a monster that was unleashed with ferocity when we finally paid off all of our debt. I don’t have Amazon Prime because the temptation was too great. Having to pay for shipping or waiting until the cart had reached it’s free-shipping minimums were the kinds of obstacles I needed to keep me at least a little under control.
I’m not a clothes horse – I have clothes from high school I still wear. I own very few shoes. If you don’t count flip flops, it’s less than a dozen pairs including dress shoes, tennis shoes, boots, and high heels. I don’t like knickknacks or anything I have to dust. I have the same kitchenware from my wedding gifts ten years ago. So my shopping urges are not triggered by the stuff one would think of when the term “shopaholic” comes up and I can’t quite pinpoint what I go after. While I would like to think of myself as a minimalist, I know there’s a problem and one I really need to examine. The mail lady, UPS driver, and FedEx guy know my house far too well. My dog doesn’t even bark at them anymore.
So, this is a perfect subject for my Lenten Resolution. All of Lent without buying “stuff.” I will not buy anything that is not replacing something that is broken beyond repair that is a need (stove, smoke detector, bed pillow) or something that we regularly use that has been depleted (toothpaste, soap, milk, cheese).
T-minus 18 Hours
I’ve settled on the decision of what I will give up for Lent and feel confident this time around. Last year I tried and then Covid hit and suddenly being on the brink of needing something (toilet paper, butter) was not feasible in the stockpile syndrome that swept America along with the actual virus. This time, I’m gonna do it! For real!
T-minus 14 Hours
Does it count if something is set to auto deliver? I have a Shakeology order set to ship soon. It kind of defeats the purpose when I keep having stuff delivered all Lent long… Besides, I’m probably going to cancel it after this next shipment. I decide to have it shipped immediately. Get it out of the way.
T-minus 11 Hours
Shit, I was going to order coffee! It’s our luxury item – coffee from a roaster that we found on our honeymoon. We had envisioned back in the day that we would order a supply so we could have a pot of coffee every weekend which would be our little treat and a sweet reminder of our newlywed days. We did it once when we got back from our honeymoon, but then we found out we were poorer than we thought so the coffee from a Vermont roaster was too big of a luxury. We started back up several months ago and every single pot has been a delight. We ran out a couple weeks ago and it’s been a little sad in my house ever since. A little less sparkling joy. I better order that before the day’s up.
Shit. I also need more essential oil! I do not have enough to last through Lent. Amazon, here I come!
Ok. I’m done. That’s it. No more unnecessary buying for 40+ days!
Day 1 – Ash Wednesday
I realize how many ads of previously viewed shopping excursions show up all over my Google. One reminds me that I left a shopping cart filled with clearance and sale items still waiting to be checked out. I doubt they’ll still be there after Lent. I close the ad to avoid the reminder.
I debate about unfollowing some pages on Facebook after a few scrolls leads me to click on a commissioned shopping link. I wonder – is it more meaningful to remove the temptation or continue to fight the temptation head on?
Day 2
I notice that we’re running low on coffee. The kind we use on the daily. We just switched brands a few months ago and the only size available around town is 10-ounce cans. That will not do in our family that is fueled by coffee. The main reason we freak out when the water pipes freeze in the winter is because we may not be able to make coffee. I can order larger cans online (36 ounce) for much cheaper than what the 10 ounce adds up to be. But there’s a shipping cost for orders less than $35. So now I’m stuck: Do I buy enough cans to get us to the free shipping minimum? We’ll definitely use them eventually. But is this unnecessary shopping?
Day 5 – The First Sunday of Lent
There’s a little loophole in the Lenten resolution thing that some Catholics don’t know about and others live for. Sundays don’t count in Lent. Count it out – 40 days from Ash Wednesday for all seven days of the week does not get you to Easter. 40 days are only Monday through Saturday. Sundays don’t count because on Sundays we rejoice in the resurrection of the Lord.
I had never heard of this little “out” until a few years ago. I think the loophole is bullshit. Maybe because of all those years of forgoing chocolate 7 days a week until Easter has made me a little bitter about the chance to cheat. And I do see it as cheating. The years my husband gave up Facebook for Lent and then spent all day on Sunday glued to his phone making up for lost time flat out pissed me off. What’s the point? It doesn’t really seem like a huge sacrifice if you only have to do it for 6 days. And not doing it on the Lord’s day makes it seem even more like cheating. You’re doing this resolution to grow closer to God and become more like Jesus, but then on His day you can dive headfirst back in? Total bullshit.
I started a new workout program and one of the pieces of equipment needed is an adjustable step. I had one picked out when I first bought the program (something I swore I would never do when I joined Beachbody… but that’s a different post for a different time…), but I never clicked Checkout because I was still shopping around. Then I had a herniated disc in my back and was out of commission for a while. I have just been released by my physical therapist to resume normal activity and I want to get this program started because A. I paid for it and 2. If I turn in my before and after results before a certain date I get a free tank top (!) and if I don’t start soon I will never finish in time for the deadline.
But I’ve done other programs without the recommended equipment, how much different could this be?
It’s totally different! Shit! I tried using one of the kids’ step stools, but it’s too high, too narrow and too bendy so it makes me feel like it’s going to buckle under my weight at any minute. Not a good feeling when you’re working out to lose the bulge. I storm around the house a couple times looking for something that could work instead before I finally admit defeat and go back to the kids’ step and just have to go really freaking slow so I don’t fucking kill myself trying to not be a fat ass anymore. And yes, I mutter every damned one of those words while I pout during the rest of my workout. My husband rolls his eyes.
Day 6
I receive the last of my shipments from the stuff I bought before Lent. I think. I don’t really know for sure, I kind of forget what and when I buy something until it magically shows up at my door.
Day 7
I could really use that adjustable workout step right about now. This morning’s workout was a tad bit dangerous. I remember my birthday falls during Lent. You know… it doesn’t count if it’s a gift, right? Going to have to tell my husband of my revelation. And send him the link to the step I picked out.
Day 9
My husband had a run-in with a table saw last weekend and at a follow-up appointment with the orthopedist they recommended buying a specific type of gauze. Only found on Amazon. So while on the website searching, I also look up my face wash (free shipping minimum and all).
I found this face wash three years ago and it helped my sensitive skin so much, but I couldn’t find it in a store after a year. But thank Dove for online shopping! I’ve bought it on Amazon for the last two years and keep checking the manufacturer’s website to see when it will be back in stores. I find during my search that the maker just announced last week that they are discontinuing the product! I’m almost out so I will need to restock before Easter. There’s a six-pack available on Amazon. The only pause I take is to figure out how I will explain this delivery to my husband…
Day 10
My boss talked to me today about my wardrobe. Since I started last year the whole company has been pretty isolated due to Covid. Now that restrictions are easing up in our area, the company is going to start doing things more face-to-face and, according to my boss, it’s time my wardrobe start reflecting my position. I hate to tell her, but I’ve been wearing my nicest and newest clothes…
Day 11: The Target Run
I am a 30-something old white mom who drives a Honda CR-V. It’s basically a requirement that I love shopping at Target. I have to go. Nail polish remover I ran out of last night, dog food we’re almost out of, and glue sticks to restock my daughter’s kindergarten class requested by her teacher. I still walk the aisles. I love Easter and spring décor. I need some new clothes for work. Clearance here. Clearance there. I look at it all. I make it out of the store with only the items that were on my list before I walked in the door – a feat in and of itself! One bag along with the dog food bag. It’s a weird, but slightly satisfying feeling with a twinge of sad.
Day 13
Today was the first day I was grateful for not being able to spend.
I spent all weekend obsessively browsing online clothing. Turns out what my boss said about my work wardrobe bothered me a lot more than I was prepared. My initial reaction was to wipe out my entire closet – obviously nothing is good enough! I changed clothes three times before church on Saturday night. I looked at all the trendy clothes during my Target Run. I Googled “work fashion spring 2021” and read magazine articles and blogs. My offenses were up so by God I was going to become the most fashionable employee ever God created! I filled shopping carts at several online retailers. I can complete the checkout process after Easter. My husband informed me this wasn’t much different than actually buying. But I didn’t want all this “work” to go to waste.
I hated it all! I look ridiculous in trends. Maybe I don’t look as ridiculous as I feel, but I feel damned ridiculous. But yet, I was still resentful that I couldn’t start over with a clean slate.
Today (Monday morning) while getting dressed for work I swung the other way. No! To hell with them all, I am who I am and everyone can just suck it!
Real mature, eh?
Begrudgingly I put on a little classier, blingier jewelry to jazz up my outfit. Maybe this will shut her up…
Then at church this morning God punched me upside the head. The Gospel reading was from Luke 6: 36-38 – give and gifts will be given to you, a good measure… I realized that yes, God wants me to be me, but part of who I am is a person who loves to help others and has respect for authority. My boss wants her department to be the best in the bank. She has incredibly high standards for herself and everyone on her team. So being someone who wants to help others, shouldn’t I want to do my part to help my boss in her quest?
Had I been able to just buy what I thought would “fix” the situation, I wouldn’t have been doing it for the right reasons. The forced pause made me sit with those feelings and continue to chew on them until I found a real solution.
Day 18
Does it count as breaking the resolution if they were out of stock on something you ordered?
I was preparing an order for Wal-Mart grocery pick up and needed a new cat feeder. Ours officially bit the dust and broke into six pieces. We had been holding it together in four pieces with wishes and prayers, but two more splits (and an overly frantic 7-year old) made it irreparable. I ordered a replacement and while I was there ordered an automatic waterer and a dog bowl. Both items we had been planning to buy for months, but it wasn’t something that’s exciting to shop for so I never bothered. I didn’t even think of it when I added to my cart and checked out along with my groceries. It wasn’t until I got the out-of-stock notice that I went “whoops.”
Day 20
Our stand-up freezer is dying. Like food is defrosting in it dying. I do a lot of freezer meals and stock up on meat when it’s on sale and the loss of the freezer will be a massive blow to our budget and our meal preparedness. It’s not even a question – it must be replaced immediately.
Day 26 – The Fourth Sunday of Lent
Remember that whole thing about Sundays don’t count that I think is cheating? See Day 5. So… I wanted to cheat. I almost did it. I had a cart loaded up and everything and if the website had recognized my debit card for the autcomplete, I totally would’ve checked out. It was an awesome sale!!!! But having to walk downstairs and past my husband and find my purse and pull out my debit card… He knows I think of the Sunday loophole as cheating and he would’ve called me out for it. I save the shopping cart thinking I will find a moment in the day to get my card out unnoticed and finish checking out, but I forget about it until we crawl into bed that night. Bolting out of bed, grabbing my tablet, and rushing downstairs would’ve also been a dead give-away. I have the loophole to back me up, but my years of admonishing “cheating” are biting me in the ass. #JesusHatedHypocrites
Day 29
My daughter needs new underwear. She is small for her age and has been wearing the same size for almost two years so her underwear is getting worn out and is (finally) too small. She’s going through a small growth spurt. I wouldn’t call it a spurt, I guess. More like a dragging. The current size is slightly too small, but the next size up is slightly too big. It’s that annoyingly awkward nothing-fits stage. Her dramatics about it make it even more annoying. I can’t even begin to describe the gesticulations and motions and ungodly theatrics she employs when she demonstrates how a shirt doesn’t fit. The pulling of the sleeves, the raising of her arms in the most unnatural swings. The hollering. The tears!
The hysterics over the ill-fitting underwear this morning consisted of her rolling around on her bed trying to rip the cloth from her body screaming at the top of her lungs with crocodile tears pouring down into her hair. It was quite a sight. One of those that you don’t know whether to laugh, scream, or roll your eyes. I took a deep breath. Lots of deep breaths actually and tried to remember this is probably how I looked with the exercise step back on Day 5. I pulled out all of the options for underwear in her dresser drawer and found the right size in the ones from grandpa’s house that snuck their way home.
Day 32
I buy my daughter the underwear. Aaaannnddd a humidifier…
We’re in the early spring season and in Western Nebraska that signals allergy season. Dust, pollen, more dust, dirt, the time change. I don’t know what the hell it is but now begins my family’s battle of keeping the sneezing and snotting from turning into full-blown sinus infections. My daughter is affectionately known as Slimer from now until the first freeze in the fall. It’s gonna get ugly.
It’s been getting ugly. Allergy medicine, Vicks VapoRub, cough drops, and Kleenex will run through our house like water. Humidifiers spouting with the VapoSteam will be our salvation until the humidity of summer hits. The humidifier we have for the kids’ room is old and calcified and spits more than it steams. This results in water splatter that ruins our hardwood floors and engine noises that keep us all awake. I tell my husband I need to get a replacement. He rolls his eyes, “Of course you do.”
Oh, and…
Remember that automatic delivery of Shakeology I mentioned back at the start of this? Well, I never got around to cancelling the subscription. So it’s already shipped and charged to my bank account. I didn’t realize it until I saw the transaction on my account activity. Even though I’m not that low on my current supply, I find myself buzzing with excitement and “casually” check the front porch to see if the package has arrived yet.
I may have a buying problem…
Day 33 – The Fifth Sunday of Lent
I definitely have a buying problem.
I missed completing my order last Sunday for that incredible sale and now, not only is the sale over, but the item I’ve been obsessively looking at is now sold out. When I try to lament my loss, my husband starts in on lectures of corporate greed and targeted advertising and how I play so well into their slimy little mitts. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I’m mad about losing out and continue to scour the internet while resenting his lecture, but nothing compares to the one that got away (cue Sinead O’Connor)
I have a problem. The void is not being filled. The insecurities are not being resolved. I’m not a clothes horse and don’t own enough to fill even my small closet, but I realize I look to clothes to be the solution. Actually, I look to buying anything to fix any and all problems I have. And now that my husband and I have a lot more wiggle room in our budget and can actually afford the excursions, shopping has become a salve that I have been applying liberally.
Day 38
I bought something and I’m not even ashamed. A subscription to an app called Cladwell. I fully defend this purchase as a need. Jesus would back me up here! Probably…
I realized that even though we’re almost to the end of Lent, my constant “window shopping” hasn’t decreased in the slightest. This is a problem. I’m basically just revving my engine until Easter at which time I will speed demon it to every digital shopping cart on the internet. Again, this isn’t what I hope to obtain during Lent. I’m trying to better myself overall and for the long term. Not just to get through a small time period.
Of all the things I used to buy, I have discovered I have a problem most with clothes. I can probably sit here and go on for pages about how long I’ve struggled to fit in and how clothes were always seen as my way in, but so often caused a hurdle to my inclusion. I have a whole write up about an Esprit bag from middle school that I have been composing for years (stay tuned!). If I could just afford that damned pair of Pepe jeans, my seat at the popular table would be cinched!
Yeah. ‘Cause that’s what has kept me out of the popular crowd – my jeans… Not my resting bitch face, my biting sarcasm, or foul mouth. My choice in jeans is the problem…
I want to be cool and trendy, but I don’t even know where to start so I lean on how cute the models look in the ads to be my guide for what to wear. If I buy (____) I’ll be just as cute! Leaving me with a closet full of clothes that look really great. On someone else.
With this app, you put in the clothes you already own – either by selecting from Cladwell’s catalog for similar type clothes or taking pictures of your items. I chose the catalog and tried my best to find as close to similar as possible. The tops were the hardest to pick out (I don’t have a blue and red striped shirt, it’s more mostly blue with a red accent… meh, close enough). The app will then select pieces to pair together to wear for the day. It will even take into account the weather forecast so you’re not wearing sandals and a sundress on a 20-degree day.
The app had a free trial and I took part for 7 days and it was the easiest 7 days of getting dressed I’ve ever had! I hadn’t done laundry in a week so I wasn’t even working with my go-to pieces when I started and I still had something to wear. I didn’t have to think about it and even got some compliments on pieces I wore regularly, but paired with something different they looked like a new item. It’s 54.00 for the whole year subscription and since I had at least six times that in all those shopping carts online, I thought it was a good investment. The more time that I went on using it, the less I found myself window shopping.
Another upside – I threw out a couple pieces from my closet. Several times as I was entering my clothing into the app I came to something and wouldn’t want to bother putting in the app. I decided if it’s not worth taking up space in the app, it’s definitely not worth taking up space in my closet.
Day 41 – Monday of Holy Week
See, I told you Lent was longer than 40 days.
I haven’t gotten anything for my kids for Easter. No candy to fill the eggs, nothing for their Easter basket, no commemoration of the holiday at all. Now, we don’t go big on Easter on the gifts side of it, but there is NOTHING as adorable as kids running around hunting Easter eggs through your house! Nothing! Baby giggles may be a close second. I love the squeals and the excitement and it’s just FUN! Empty eggs would kill that joy quick.
We don’t do the six-foot tall Easter basket brimming with toys. But a few outdoor toys are essential at the beginning of spring when you kind of have to shove them outside because they’re so used to not being able to go out that they forget what it’s like. Like throwing a dog biscuit into the crate when you start crate training a puppy. A set of garden tools and a watering can for each of the kids, some garden gloves and a couple packages of candy to fill the eggs. And a package of Reese’s peanut butter cups for my husband so he leaves the kids’ candy alone.
Day 46 – Holy Saturday
Tonight is the Easter Vigil and officially the end of Lent. This is my last restricted shopping excursion. Though it ends up not being that restricted…
The dog needs new toys. He has destroyed his previous entertainment and mopes around ever since I threw away the shredded tatters of his tug-of-war rope. The thing was less than a month old. He’s a “high energy dog” (read “fucking neurotic basketcase”) so entertainment is a must for him. I spent 15 minutes looking at the 45 linear feet of wall space devoted to dog toys at the local farm and ranch supply store. So many options! $33 later, at least I know the dog will find something to keep him busy.
Hobby Lobby. Oh my Achille’s Heel! The Easter Vigil service tonight requires candlelight and with Covid they’re not distributing real candles. Because Covid is like moths and attracted to flames…??? Apparently…??? No idea the logic behind it… So they’re asking everyone to bring their own battery operated tea lights. So yes, this is a must. I have to buy battery operated tea lights and I know Hobby Lobby has them.
Now, I did not have to buy the tea light holder… My aunt and cousin have a tradition of lighting a candle at family holiday meals in remembrance of those who have died. It started in honor of my cousin who died of cancer 13 years ago and has expanded to include those who we continue to lose. My mom a year and a half ago and now an aunt and an uncle within the past five months. I never had a dedicated candle before even though we host Easter dinner. I had a Homer Simpson chia pet head in honor of my cousin (long story). But now, with so many gone, it feels like it’s time to have something dedicated to this purpose. Even with my deviation, coming out of Hobby Lobby with only 2 things and in less than an hour is a huge triumph for me.
As my husband helped me unpack groceries and watched my shopping reveals, he laughed. “Wow, you really must be jonesing for shopping to be this excited over dog toys and a candle holder.” “These were all needs!,” I retort. He rolls his eyes.
As I’m decorating the house for Easter I realize I don’t have any plastic eggs. I search all my storage spots around the house before asking my husband. “Pretty sure we threw them out after the kids played with them all year.” Ah, yes. I begin to remember our Christmas prep did consist of throwing out Easter décor… I run to Dollar General and pick up two packages of Easter eggs.
After the kids are asleep we begin filling the new eggs and discover what cheap pieces of crap these are. They won’t stay shut and bend at the slightest pressure. Flimsy. Looks like I’ll still need to buy more eggs for next year.
Easter Sunday
He is risen Hallelujah! I can shop now! Hallelujah!
While waiting for the kids to wake up and begin their hunt for Easter eggs, I scroll Facebook. Oooo look! I pause at a Bath & Body ad. Damn you targeted ads!! I then check all those shopping carts I had loaded up. Many of the items I had picked are now sold out. I apply all the coupons and stare at the prices that remain. I think about adding these pieces to the Cladwell app. I remove the items I’m not “in love” with. KonMari Method does it spark joy? One thing’s for sure – the shopping cart totals definitely don’t spark joy! Hmmm… has shopping lost its appeal?
The Aftermath
While I do admit I went on a slight shopping spree a week after Easter, I don’t regret any of the purchases and almost none of it was shopped for during my anger-fueled window shopping back at days 11 & 12.
I stopped by Goodwill first looking for cast offs and trying to save money. Sticker shock is a real thing and all that time off from purchases meant there was money left over at the end of Lent that went to build up our emergency savings. It was a satisfying feeling. It was also humbling. This compulsion of mine may be a major detriment to our family’s financial position and for all the couponing and meal prepping and budgeting I do, none of it really matters if I’m not actually keeping the money that I save by all those efforts.
Many of the items in my spree were for the kids. As we begin the venture of separating their bedroom arrangements – toy storage and furniture. A new inflatable pool that I couldn’t get last year when everywhere was sold out because of Covid. But I took out the word “need” during my shopping for these things and used the phrase “help” instead. “This will help keep the kids busy this summer.” “This will help with the stuffed animal chaos.” “Maybe this can help keep cups and books from piling up by their bed.” My kids have everything they actually NEED (as do I). It will help us all when we can recognize and admit what’s really just a want.
While I’m 2/3 of the way through my workout program and have not in fact killed myself or broken an ankle during my workouts, I did buy the aerobic step I had my eye on before Lent. I love the program and will be doing it again so a real step will be useful for the long term. My coach had offered to let me use hers but I never got around to taking her up on it. Also, I wanted to see if I could make something work that wasn’t ideal and prove to myself that I do not need to run out and buy something just because it would make my life “better” or “easier.”
A few items were clothing, but ones that I had been searching specifically for. And the best thing happened the week after Easter – the cardigan I had almost broke down and bought back on Day 26 but was then sold out for the rest of Lent was back in stock! For even cheaper than when I tried to buy it the first time! And I had no hesitation about telling my husband aaalllll about it. In detail. I could tell he was as thrilled as I was.
Don’t tell him, but I was thankful to have my husband as my voice of accountability through this. As with most things, he sees me in my unvarnished truth and is not afraid of calling me out. With humor and love, he sees the real me. I can bullshit myself, but I can’t bullshit him. It’s good to have a partner like that in life. I should buy him a gift of appreciation…