I’ve been taking my kids (5 & 6 when we started) with me to daily Mass nearly every day for the past year. People will stare at me slack jawed when they find out our daily ritual. Some probably think I’m crazy. Some may even be envious or incredulous at the ability. “I wish I could do that,” has been heard before.
So here’s your As Seen On TV pitch for how you too can take kids to daily Mass!
Step 0: Set your why.
Why do you want to go to church every day? Write it down. List it out. Be specific. This will come in handy and you will want to refer back to it when the going gets tough.
If your reason is “because (insert name of another person) does/did” then it’s a stupid reason. Your mom, your grandfather, your best friend with six kids does it. If it’s any other human being setting that expectation, it’s a stupid reason and you shouldn’t do it. If the word “should” is in your reasoning, it’s a stupid reason. “Because I should.” “A book I read said if I want a solid family I should attend daily Mass.” Shoulds add unnecessary stress and expectations.
If you’re curious, I talked about my why in a previous blog post found here.
Step 1: Lower your expectations. Lower them. Drop ‘em down low!
Lower.
Keep going.
Still lower.
Are they so low you’re thinking “if I go any lower I’m going to allow them to swing from the overhead lights”? Great! They’re now low enough! But there will come a point in this process you will lower your expectations even further.
Step 2: Understand there is a difference between showing respect and good behavior.
Kids are not, nor will they ever be, able to sit perfectly still in reverent silence for anything more than 2.3 seconds. There will be a fidget, a rustle, a heavy sigh, a slouch. Do not expect anyone to be on the level of perfect behavior. Hell, I even slouch and fidget and sigh. I swing my feet and reposition 13 times.
Set the expectation with the kids on how they are to behave and why. “You can’t throw a stuffed animal in the air because it’s distracting to the other people and the priest.” “We kneel because the most amazing thing is happening right now and we should be honoring that event.” “We’re quiet because other people here need to concentrate and they don’t have as much practice as I do tuning out your voice.” Having respect for the people, the place, and the Mass will give a different spin on the behaviors that are acceptable and not acceptable rather than just “be good at Mass.”
Step 3: Don’t be afraid to bring distractions.
There is one thing my husband and I have always disagreed on when it comes to bringing kids to church – toys. I say anything that keeps them in the pew and quiet is ok. He says they need to learn to behave from the get-go. He tolerated a toy or book until they were 5 and then removed everything and now expects stand-up-sit-down-fight-fight-fight participation. But when I started taking the kids to daily Mass, I knew I needed to do what was easiest on me. And distracted kids are way easier to manage than bored kids.
I bought blank sketch pads, crayons, and pencil cases for each of the kids. They bring them in and sit on the kneelers and draw, write, doodle. Once they started filling them up and getting bored with it, I also bought a coloring book and board book from our favorite podcast, Catholic Sprouts, to change things up a bit. The coloring book is full of saints and the quotes they have about Jesus and the Eucharist, but this one has seriously backfired on me because they want to know who the people are and they want me to explain. The book was meant to elicit discussion and the middle of a church service is not the right setting for that. I found changing up the size of the sketch book helps keep it interesting.
I no longer allow toys of any kind. Their quiet play can quickly escalate and before I know it the “toys” are fighting and one of the owners is disgruntled. Books and coloring are the only distractions allowed anymore. #LiveAndLearn
I know they’re still involved in the Mass even though it doesn’t look like they’re “paying attention.” My son was scheduled to read at Mass with his school and was practicing his Psalm non-stop. Psalm 23 “The Lord is my shepherd” is a very popular Psalm and appears at a lot of Masses. At one such Mass, my son had been intently drawing when the cantor started. My son jumped up to look at the reader “That’s my reading!!” he whispered excitedly to me. They’re still absorbing even if their hands are busy.
Step 4: Set a routine.
It’s easier to do something every day or on special occasions or a set day than it is to do it sporadically. If you want to do a daily Mass and bring the kids along, but every day is intimidating, set one day a week or one day a month to go. If the kids know that every Friday we go to daily Mass, it’s easier to rally the troops.
Every day was scary when I was first debating and hemming and hawing about the possibility. “Am I really going to do this every day? Even when the kids are 13? 17?” Yes. I had to commit. I’m someone who has to be 100% in and intense or I waffle and give up. Also, going daily has been easier on the kids with their schedules and routines knowing that this is just something we do. Like brushing our teeth or feeding the dog.
Step 5: Plan and Prepare
The daily Mass offered at the churches in my area is 7 a.m. Breakfast was one of my biggest hang ups. So I found several things I could make ahead of time and have as an easy pack breakfast. I also had to loosen my no-eating-in-the-car rule. I don’t allow food in the sanctuary, but we eat on the way to church and in the basement afterward between Mass and school. These recipes are easy(ish) to make, healthy(ish), filling, and the kids love them. There’s some give and take in order to make this livable for all of us.
While our family sits in the front of the church on weekend Masses, we are in the back pew during dailies. Fewer eyes so I feel less pressure, the sound doesn’t travel as well, and there are fewer people in the very back so the kids have more room to spread out so we can minimize the “she’s touching me” fights.
Step 6: Know your church, but don’t take it personally.
If your church is genuinely anti-kids, it may not be feasible to take your kids with you to daily Mass. I firmly believe those churches are few and far between. And the cranky ass old lady in the third pew who gives crusty looks to anyone under 45 is NOT the church. Don’t let her scare you away from going to Mass. Now, I wouldn’t recommend sitting directly behind her, but don’t let her intimidate you into not going and not bringing your kids.
Moms especially are sensitive to “the look” of disapproval from other people. But don’t mistake a look for a shove out the door. And if someone does say something to you, thank them for offering to watch your kids during Mass! “Oh, Mrs. Snubnose! Thank you for offering to have the kids sit with you at Mass! It would be an honor to see how I should be handling them. I can’t wait to learn from such an expert!” And say it with sincerity, not sarcasm. You don’t know what someone has been through, and maybe they do have good advice. Maybe they don’t even realize how offensive it is to critique a parenting technique. Maybe they think they are actually helping. And maybe they can actually help. You’ll either make a new friend, or you’ll know who not to sit near.
I rotate between two churches depending on our schedule and rarely are there other kids (18 or under) at Mass and I have never received any negative comments or heard of anyone unhappy about our presence.
Step 6: Expect it to suck at some point.
The kids will whine. “I hate church!” “Why do we hafta go every day?” “I don’t wwwwaaaannnnaaaa!” Don’t take it personally. Don’t freak out that they’re going to quit the Church, hate God, and go to hell all because you tortured them with going to church every day. Stand firm like you would peeing in the potty, going to school, not pulling the dog’s tail. This is good for them and good for you. Refer back to your why and if you still believe it, stick to it. They’ll get over it.
You will sleep in. The morning will blow up. Something will ruin your morning (or your evening if you have an evening option). It’s okay to say “Uncle” and change the plans.
One morning Murphy’s Law blanketed our morning. Everything took way longer than it was supposed to. We had three too many meltdowns for the time allotted. I was a raving lunatic by the time we needed to go, but I was GOING TO MASS IF IT FUCKING KILLED US! Yes, I was screaming that on the way out the door. On the way to Mass I was still enraged when I remembered the topic of my devotional that morning: Emanuel (God with us). The crux of the day’s reading was to bring God into your daily life and intentionally center around him. I thought I was fulfilling that by making going to daily Mass a priority, but a little whisper in my head on the drive to church said “Jesus is wherever you are. You don’t have to go somewhere to be with Him.” While I have a massive need for Jesus in the Eucharist, I could have “found” God right in my home that morning and carved out a time for Him without leaving the house and causing such a ruckus. I could have done something that would have brought us all even more peace than the battle I had at the house and then at the church.
Step 7: Don’t be afraid to make a scene
There were 15 people in church that morning. Including the priest. The kids started whisper fighting over the drawings they were doing. The 6-year-old drama queen was dramatically ripping pages from her sketch book and theatrically crumpling and throwing them in the pew. By the time she did the second rip and crumple we were no longer in the warning arena. I motioned for her to move and come sit next to me and she started crying “No! Please, no! pleasenopleasenoPLEASENO!!” She thinks that if she makes a scene my desire to be quiet and undisturbed will outweigh my need to parent.
She was wrong.
As I dragged her out of the pew during the Gospel reading and her begging screams reached hysterics, I reminded myself to hold my head up high. I missed the entire homily and the first few prayers of intention as I took charge and got her calmed back down. We walked back into the sanctuary and sat quietly for the rest of the service. At least she and I did. Her brother got reprimanded for a flying stuffed animal and cried when I took it away. His sobs were at least quiet so he remained in the pew.
After Mass with two red and tear stained faces next to me, it took everything I had not to give sheepish smiles to my fellow parishioners, but to look them dead in the eye and smile wide. It is what it is. I did what I had to do. Kids are kids and moms have to be moms.
Step 8: It’s ok to quit.
Some kids are not cut out for the daily experience. They will make every Mass miserable no matter what you do. Some kids just aren’t old enough – I never would’ve attempted a daily Mass with an 18-month-old. Some people can’t handle the scrutiny or the added stress. Some parishes will more than bristle at a disruption to their peaceful clique. Some schedules just can’t make room for the addition. If it’s not bringing you a deeper relationship with God, if it’s causing a massive strain on yourself and your family, it’s ok to quit. Remember the goal you have for attending daily Mass. If you’re not able to achieve that goal, give yourself grace and forgiveness and let it go. Sometimes once a week is all we can muster especially when we have kids. And that’s perfectly ok.