When the rain doesn’t come

I was dry. The vigor and excitement and intimacy I had felt about God was waning. Nothing was wrong. Nothing had happened. I just felt distant. I still loved God and my faith, but the intimacy I once felt was missing.

For a time I felt so close to God He felt like one of my best friends. Most days it was as though He were sitting next to me and if I stretched out my hand, I could have touched Him. Every Mass I was moved by His words. I felt light and warm. Loved and special. There was a level of comfort I had never known before that made me believe that nothing “bad” could actually happen. I felt peace and security. Even though my life was by no means peaceful, I was enveloped in a deep serenity.

But then, without warning, that feeling just disappeared.

I felt an overwhelming silence and emptiness. Hollow. I wasn’t expecting the distance and I couldn’t pinpoint what had gone wrong. It was like I woke up one morning and the line was down. I continued at daily Mass thinking it was a one-off. But Mass felt like it was being led by Charlie Brown’s teacher. Static from the TV. The words were meaningful, but they no longer resonated in my bones. I was still awed by the presence of Christ, but only from a cerebral standpoint and not emotional. It wasn’t long before I stopped going to daily Mass.

I blamed it at first on the craziness of the season. We had just come out of Christmas and the season was more stressful than prior years since it was my first after taking over a charity that’s biggest event is a gift and food drive for the holiday. But as the new year progressed and the madness slowed down, my fire hasn’t returned.

I know He is still here. He’s still listening and loves me as much today as He did when I felt His breath on my skin. My emotions and my feelings do not change how God sees me. He is unchanging. It is my fickle human emotions that are the problem. I just don’t know how to turn them back on.

One Reply to “When the rain doesn’t come”

  1. Cindy L Baker says:

    Thank you! you reminded me of a time when I felt low and went to church expecting to be uplifted. I was disappointed that day and left feeling worse than before. I returned home and God had a blessing waiting for me there! I have also gone through times when I did not “feel” the emotional connectedness. All I can say is that for me, time had a way of sorting it out. Sometimes days, weeks, or months, but I have always come back to a place where I found him. Stay true to yourself! You may be someone else’s blessing today!

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